By JOHN BILLINGER
Tiger Media Network
This will be my final written review for Tiger Media Network in the “Have You Seen” series. Although I wouldn’t rule out a future revival, in its current form, this is it. So in light of the end of the road, I thought it would be fun (or pretentious) to rank every single movie I’ve reviewed from worst to best, featuring a quote from each review. All 43 movies. This is my way of strolling down memory lane. It’s important to note that many of the films I’ve reviewed are either not very good or pretty obscure. So, we’re going to divide these into three different sections. So here we go…
Awful
43. The Garbage Pail Kids (1987)
I’m sure the filmmakers thought that they were making something as cute as “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” but in the end, I’d say that they made something that was only slightly less morally disgusting than “Coal Black and De Sebben Dwarfs.”
42. The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
My friend who watched it with me said, “This movie is like that feeling when you’re sick. Like, I don’t know what’s going on, my head hurts, and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”
41. Titanic (1996)
I heard once that for every one-star movie Tim Curry is in, he’s the reason it got that one star. This film didn’t get that marker.
40. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Even the stock photo of Martin Brody that they used doesn’t look like it wants to be in this movie.
39. Foodfight (2012)
I just stared at my TV for an hour and a half, and contemplated my life choices.
38. Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)
“This is a complete hijacking! This is a hijacking. High-handed, hijacking! Handedness-jacking! It’s like a car-jacking of our religion.”
37. The Last Airbender (2010)
One could debatably pick apart and criticize every single frame in the movie.
36. North (1994)
I’m surprised, after being in such a flop, that Elijah Wood’s career didn’t end up going SOUTH (sorry, I had to say it).
35. Catwoman (2004)
Halle Berry stated in interviews that prior to making this film, she was more of a dog person than a cat person. After making this film, she adopted one of the cats seen in the film. At least something good came out of it.
34. Atlantic (1929)
The film has not aged well in both its craft and its content.
33. Saturday the 14th (1981)
If you want to watch “Saturday the 14th”, do yourself a favor and watch “Friday the 13th Part 3” instead. Why not? It’s actually set on Saturday the 14th. Really, it’s set the day after Part 2.
32. Planet of the Dinosaurs (1977)
Part of me wonders if they had cast this film by walking up to strangers and asking them if they would want to be in a movie because most of them can’t act worthy enough of a background cameo appearance.
Mid-Tier
31. Raise The Titanic (1980)
You’re basically watching C-SPAN with a little bit of fractured history.
30. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Among the celebrities who derided the film was classic Hollywood actor Mickey Rooney, who said the filmmakers should be “run out of town.” Years later, he presumably reversed his stance when he appeared in one of the sequels, probably because he had a look at his bank account.
29. The Swarm (1978)
This is the kind of film that you watch, and it’ll make you ponder, “People actually didn’t die while making this, right?”
28. Free Birds (2013)
Despite being a comedy, the film is unfunny.
27. Jack Frost (1998)
I can’t decide if the premise is heartwarming or lame.
26. Tom and Jerry: The Movie (1993)
This movie is also a musical, so not only do they [Tom and Jerry] talk, but they also sing.
25. Dinosaurus (1960)
Steve McQueen (who had starred in “The Blob” in 1958) was supposed to be in the film, but he ultimately chose “The Great Escape” and “The Magnificent Seven” over this.
24. Britannic (2000)
How do you capitalize on a film about a romance set on a doomed ocean liner? Easy, you make a film about a romance set on the Titanic’s doomed sister ship, the Britannic.
23. Lusitania: Murder on the Atlantic (2007)
You can literally watch it on YouTube for free.
22. Amazon Women on the Moon (1987)
A young Bryan Cranston appears in one of the deleted scenes. Despite the fact that he does not appear in the final product when asked if he could remove a film from his filmography, he picked this film as his candidate.
21. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
It belongs in a museum.
20. Gangster Squad (2013)
If anything, you can at least put it on in the background. But definitely don’t pay money to see it. Rent it or watch it on Netflix. You’ll get more value from it that way.
19. Popeye (1980)
It feels more like they took a bunch of the classic shorts and animated new scenes to connect it all as a movie (similar to the 80s Looney Tunes compilation movies), except it’s in live-action.
18. Vampire’s Kiss (1988)
The birth of a meme is truly a beautiful thing.
17. 1941 (1979)
Seriously, there are so many people in this one film, it’d be easier to name who isn’t in this movie.
16. Titanic (1953)
Ironically, the Titanic disaster is the second worst thing involving him [Robert Wagner] and a boat.
Good (in a weird sort of way)
15. Teenagers From Outer Space (1959)
In the first five minutes, the alien characters talk, talk and talk, like they’re in some kind of Arthur Miller play. The whole time watching, I kept thinking, “When’s the lobster going to grow to full size and start killing people?”
14. King Kong Escapes (1967)
This isn’t the kind of film where you need to think. Just sit back and have a good time, unless you’re like my sister who worships Jane Austen.
13. Son of Kong (1933)
In March of 1933, Kong co-director Merian C. Cooper pitched to R.K.O. Pictures (the studio that made the original) a sequel to his smash hit [King Kong]. R.K.O. said, “Sure, you can do that, but under two conditions. One, you need to have it out by the end of the year. Two, we’re going to give you like, half the budget of the original.”
12. Howard the Duck (1986)
Never in my life did I ever think I would ever have to watch this movie.
11. The Babe Ruth Story (1948)
The film’s version of Babe Ruth performs miracles comparable to Jesus Christ.
10. A Biltmore Christmas (2023)
I went from “I hate this” one minute to “I love this” the next minute and continued to go back and forth.
9. The Return of the Vampire (1943)
How about this lineup for a horror film: Werewolves, Vampires, and Nazi Bombs, oh my!
8. The Giant Claw (1957)
The bird certainly has a unique design.
7. Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman (1943)
To make a long story short, the Wolf-Man and Frankenstein’s Monster eventually fight, and you get your money’s worth.
6. Batman: The Movie (1966)
This movie is a comic book movie first, and proud of it.
Actually Really Good Movies
5. The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)
It’s a chill, fun movie.
4. That Darn Cat (1965)
“That Darn Cat” is a darn good show.
3. The Invisible Man (1933)
During the course of the 70-minute film, he [The Invisible Man] killed at least 104 people. Yikes.
2. An American Werewolf in London (1981)
There are parts that are genuinely very funny, and then there are parts that are genuinely very horrifying.
1. The King of Comedy (1983)
If you ever watch this movie, you’ll definitely have the name of the character memorized by the end. They say it a hundred times.
Wow. I did not review a lot of movies that made it into the “Actually Really Good Movies” category. Anyway, this is where I end things. Over the last two years, I’ve enjoyed writing these reviews. While I had severe writer’s block for some of these, there was not a single one where I didn’t feel proud to see it published. Sure, now looking back on them, I think about all the changes that I would make, but there’s nothing that I can do now. And while my written output decreased as I continued school work, I made up for it by making videos for Tiger Media Network, which all got a decent bit of success. If you are a fan of those videos, I suggest you check out my YouTube channel, “Killer Gorilla Productions.” In any case, That’s All Folks!