By ALICIA FEYERHERM
Tiger Media Network
Trigger Warning: this post contains discussion of suicide
On Wednesday, The Center for Life Experiences, the FHSU Psychology Club, and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) hosted a panel on grief and its effects on everyday life. This event was part of the John C. Thorns Jr. Memorial Lecture Series.
Each of the four panelists approached grief from a different perspective.
Hospice social worker Myrna Jordan discussed the role of caregivers for terminally ill patients and the mental impacts that responsibility has on the individuals.
“They are suddenly an honorary nurse without going through all the coursework,” Jordan said. “They don’t have to take the exam, but they have to be there 24 hours a day, seven days a week.”
Jordan explained that support for caregivers is a necessity. In some cases, the caregiver has died before the terminally ill patient because of stress and lack of self-care. Some caregivers have refused help because they want to spend all the time they can with their dying loved one. Jordan emphasized the best way to help your loved one is by also taking care of yourself. You can’t take care of them all by yourself.
After the patient does die, Jordan says some people miss being a caregiver or feel lost without the role. For weeks, months or maybe even years, this duty to their loved one has consumed their life. Now, not only are they grieving the loss, but they are also trying to regain their identity.
FHSU professor and panelist Kate McGonigal said she was a caregiver for her father and for multiple semesters, she entered final grades for her students from her father’s room at HaysMed.
“There is no work-life balance,” McGonigal said.
McGonigal discussed different lies she feels that society tells us about grief. The first of those misconceptions is that, eventually, you will “get over it.”
“You’re not going to get over this,” McGonigal said. “Your life is inevitably, unalterably changed.”
Over time, McGonigal says individuals will develop a “coping muscle.” They will find different ways to cope, but the pain is always present. Some days are harder than others.
Another societal lie is that people who die from suicide always show warning signs.
“Over and over, you read these articles saying, ‘oh, there will be signs; there are always signs prior to a suicide,’” McGonigal said.
Sometimes, there are no signs. The death seemingly comes out of nowhere.
Those who have lost a loved one to suicide often feel guilt that if they could have seen the signs or done something differently, the person would still be alive.
“Folks, this is not your weight to bear,” McGonigal said.
Panelist Kris Munsch had a son die from a car accident at 16.
After the accident, Munsch quit his job as a teacher at Bonner Springs High School and traveled the country. He spent nine months living in his car and traveled over 33,000 miles. The journey was difficult for Munsch. He was disconnected from the world and said he almost killed himself in a state park in Texas.
Munsch said that when talking to someone who has experienced loss, using the phrase “I’ve been in your shoes” is not helpful.
“You have not been in my shoes,” Munsch said.
Every experience with grief is unique and cannot be compared with anyone else’s experiences.
Vulnerability is also important in the healing process. While men are sometimes told not to cry, Munsch encourages the opposite.
“Let people see you sad,” Munsch said. “Let people see you cry. Let people see you be miserable. Let people see you fall apart.”
Psychotherapist and panelist Ken Windholz said that people find different ways to comfort themselves and keep the memory of their loved one alive. He mentioned that his sister-in-law slept with his brother’s shirts after he passed.
“The scents that were embedded in that shirt reminded her of him,” Windholz said. “That was the way she could be close to him and stay connected with him.”
For those experiencing grief, the Center for Life experiences has several support groups. A list of meeting times can be found at https://www.cflehope.org/eventsgroups
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