Here are some random thoughts from a funeral director turned counselor turned self-proclaimed philosopher.
So, what now? Where do we go from here? After the last few years, how do we decide on our next steps moving forward? As I ponder these questions, I think it’s time to get back to the basics — the things we take for granted. It’s time to be grateful.
I grew up in the funeral business. When I say I “grew up” in the funeral business, I mean it literally.
When I was born in the Phillips County Hospital and my parents brought me home, we went to the funeral home because that’s where we lived. I lived in a funeral home until I went to mortuary school, and then I lived in a funeral home during that time as well. I am a fourth-generation funeral director. Growing up as I did has taught me a lot of things about life. It has certainly affected my counseling career. Although it took me a while to realize what I learned from my childhood, it has helped me to help others in my career in the helping profession. After I transitioned from the funeral business to counseling, I was director of a university counseling center, did clinical work in counseling and oversaw the student support services at Fort Hays State University.
Currently, I teach full-time in the counseling program at FHSU. Below are some thoughts I have learned through the years that have helped me. Perhaps one or two will help you as well?
Life can be taken away at any time. Don’t take it for granted.
Enjoy each day and notice beauty.
Do something you enjoy every day of your life.
Read about mindfulness and apply it in your daily life. Live in the present. It’s powerful.
We can learn a lot from how children play.
We can learn a lot from Special Olympics athletes.
We can learn a lot from other folks, both good and bad.
Being mindful this morning, I learned that birds could sit on the ground knowing our puppy is on a leash and can’t reach them. They can just sit and eat, and although the puppy barks and growls, they know they are safe.
I think as humans, we can learn from that. Folks can bark and growl at us, but if we are OK with who we are and how we live our lives, it’s OK. We just need to stay far enough away to not get hurt.
Let the past go. It’s the past. Learn from it, but don’t dwell on it. We all have a past. People who dwell on it drag it into the future.
You cannot say “I love you” too much.
Make time to take care of yourself. It is not selfish; it is necessary. I would argue it is selfish not to take care of yourself first. If you don’t, you won’t be able to keep up with all those you need to care for and what you need to do in life. It’s OK to say no. My friend Dr. Reade Dowda says if you say no to something, it opens up an opportunity to say yes to something else.
Learn to slow down.
We live in a microwave society and want things done now. When I have slowed down in my life, good things have happened. Be patient. God’s timing is always perfect.
It’s OK to relax.
We do not have to be busy all the time to be productive.
Take time for yourself, away from the world. It will make you more productive.
Jesus rested. It is OK to rest.
Remember what is important in your life.
Learn to validate your emotions and understand it is OK to feel. You must feel to move past.
Remember that other folks have emotions that may differ from yours. Make sure to validate those.
Appreciate the people in your life. Tell them you appreciate them.
Understand we all need to be heard. I have found it might not matter if you agree with someone as long as they feel heard.
People just want someone to listen.
It’s OK not to agree; just show interest and respect.
We all need at least one person in our life who will give us three things: They will listen, they will not judge us and they will keep what we say confidential.
Don’t forget how powerful your thoughts are in life. We can choose one thought over another. Yes, we all have negative and even irrational thoughts. Don’t fight those. Label them for what they are and turn your focus to something positive in your life, even if it’s something you take for granted.
There is always something positive. The person who coined that phrase was brilliant.
Pay attention to the thoughts you have each day. You can choose to focus on good things. You have that control. Remember that because it’s powerful.
Remember, it’s easy to focus on negativity. Make it a goal to focus on positivity as well.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what we can control in our lives. Ask yourself what you can control in a situation. Then, take steps to control it. It is empowering and helps us move forward. It can be something we consider a small step.
Remember, it is a step forward.
Take the step.
Take a moment each day to count your blessings and be grateful.
Take a moment to think about what your strengths are, and yes, you have strengths. Be proud of your strengths and use them to move forward.
Dr. Carl Rogers was correct: People have it within themselves to heal themselves, and sometimes, they just need some help to access that healing power.
People can and have overcome huge obstacles in their lives. I have seen this in the funeral business and counseling.
Pay attention to the “little things” in life. They are important. They are not insignificant.
Give yourself some grace.
Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Failure is how we learn. Nothing more. Don’t get hung up on it. We have all failed at something.
The most successful people in the world (no matter how you define success) have failed. They understood the learning experience.
Sometimes, we just need to take a step back and breathe. In the words of singer/songwriter Jimmy Buffett, “breathe in, breathe out, move on.”
Remember that dawn comes after darkness.
Believe in yourself.
Build other people up and help them. Sometimes, people struggle to reach out and need someone to reach in. Reaching in does not have to be hard. It may just be saying, “I will sit here with you and be here for you.”
Remember that people get a good feeling from helping others. It’s OK to accept and give help.
Some of us struggle to accept help. Don’t rob the helper of the good feeling they get helping you.
Be kind, as you never know what someone has been through or is going through now.
Thank the folks who help you.
Be proud of your accomplishments. There are many accomplishments in life that we don’t recognize and take for granted.
Live with an attitude of gratitude and just be grateful for what you have right now today. Practice gratitude. You can and will get more, but only if you are grateful for what you have now.
Life is short. Don’t miss it.
Appreciate it. Enjoy life. Life is not a contest with others. It’s a contest with yourself. Just keep growing. I agree with the attitude some runners have. They don’t compete against others in the race; they compete against themselves to be better each time. That is how we progress.
Two difficult words in the English language are control and accept. We struggle at times to control everything and also struggle to accept what we cannot control.
A quote by E. Joseph Cossman that I like is: “If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.” Don’t get me wrong, we have emotional upheavals that occur in life, and we will never forget those dates. However, for the most part, we don’t recall what we were worrying about a year ago.
It keeps things in perspective!
According to Dr. Mike Evans, up to 70% of primary care medical provider visits are stress-related. That alone lets us know that we need to manage our stress.
Setting goals for ourselves is important. However, I believe it’s even more important to enjoy the journey we are on to reach those goals. So many folks say they will be happy when they get this job, this salary, this house, this vehicle, this vacation, etc. I would say that no, you won’t be happy then if you are not happy enjoying the journey. How much of life are you wasting not being joyful if you feel the need to wait? This goes back to living in the present and enjoying each moment of being alive.
When you are trying to be creative, take a walk. Research (Stanford University) has shown that walking helps our creativity. Maybe that’s the idea behind the phrase “just move.”
Some CEO’s have walking meetings.
It’s how they do their best thinking, according to a CNBC article, “How to get over writer’s block, unlock your creativity and brainstorm great ideas.”
Take the time to just sit and be still. Sit and listen. Empty your mind and just see what comes to you in the quiet moment. We are so busy in this society that we tend not to just take time to be silent and listen. I believe that’s when God talks to us. It doesn’t matter what you believe. If you are quiet and listen, it will benefit you.
Life is interesting.
We can choose to see the good or the bad. We can choose to insert ourselves into negativity or recognize that and choose positivity. Life is not predictable, but there are parts we can control. Control those parts. When we feel in control, it is easier to deal with what we can’t control.
I believe when I wake up in the morning, I can choose what kind of day I will have. I can focus on all I have to do, how hard it will be and what could go wrong. However, I can also choose to focus on what I have to do and how much I enjoy what I do each day and set myself up to have a good day. Don’t get me wrong, I know life happens. I have found that when life brings struggles in the day, they are easier to deal with if I have set myself up to have a good day. Just try it.
You can choose if you are going to run your life or if you will let others run your life. Remember, no one knows you better than you know yourself.
Make a good choice, and you will thrive.
What we believe about ourselves will be what we become. Pay attention to what you think of yourself.
Pastor Steven Furtick said the hardest person you will ever have to forgive is yourself. Ponder that for a while. On the surface, I couldn’t see that, but the more I thought about it, I knew it was true.
Please do not discount what you have to offer to the world. We all have gifts and touch many lives, whether we realize it or not. We need to remember that.
Enjoy life. It’s important. Life is too short not to be happy. So, let’s all stop comparing ourselves to others. Choose happiness even in difficult times. It will help, and it can be done. Choose how you want to live your life and begin. Be well.
Kenton L. Olliff, Ph.D., LCPC-S, LCAC, NCC, is an associate professor at Fort Hays State University.