Pride Month Review: Like Grains of Sand

BY JOHN CARTER JR

Learning who or what you are, accepting who or what you are, and lovingly embracing yourself are all different things. We learn about ourselves through our desires and experiences. We are only in a position of needing to accept who or what we are when society says that it is wrong. However, after confrontation with this dissonance, we either suppress, ignore, or accept.  Finally, after learning about ourselves through our experiences and resolving the dissonance that arises through self-acceptance, we still may hate ourselves or hold negative feelings towards what or who we are. Through learning what it means to love unconditionally and through the refutation of needless self-hate we may eventually be able to fully embrace who we are regardless of what other people think about it. 

This is how we can reach a form of true, unabashed love, for ourselves and peace within that self-acceptance elicits. For many LGBT youth in a society that doesn’t accept them, this whole process may take a longer time and can even cause stunted growth.  

This is the last stop in our 2023 Pride Review Tour, and we have had a fun ride together. We discussed expectations through “Bad Buddy,” nothing mattering through “Everything Everywhere All At Once,” trauma in “Mysterious Skin,” and representation in “Shinjuku Boys.” We arrive at our last stop with Ryosuke Hashiguchi’s “Like Grains Of Sand.” Released in 1995 “Like Grains of Sand” tells the story of a group of teenagers dealing with their burgeoning development and feelings of desire for each other. In this review, we will examine the main cast of characters and how their development reflects the beginning of our journey, from realizing the self to accepting the self to embracing it. 

Among our main characters are Yoshinori Okada as Shuji Ito, Ayumi Hamasaki as Kasane Aihara and Kōta Kusano as Hiroyuki Yoshida. Shunji is introduced to us as having a crush on another boy in his class Hiroyuki whom everyone simply refers to as Yoshida. While Yoshida, who is in a relationship with his classmate Ayako Shimizu played by Kumi Takada, becomes attracted to a different girl Aihara.

Throughout the film, we get to see the struggles that each character endures and the stressors they cause for others. Early in the film, Ito expresses his feelings for Yoshida, to which Yoshida essentially states, “what do you want me to say, I like you back?” but immediately after accepting a kiss from him, Yoshida, pushes Ito off of him in the middle of their consensual kiss and quickly after opens his arms telling Ito to do what he wants to him to which Ito responds with a hug. 

This scene is important because it establishes something about Yoshida and Ito that parallels the real-life queer development experience. For Ito, the way Yoshida responds to the kiss and hug may indicate to him that Yoshida is indeed capable of liking him back, whether physically or otherwise. Many queer kids get heightened hopes after a crush gives some indication that not only that their crush is at least somewhat like them but also some indication that their crush could potentially be into them too. 

This isn’t just through physical expressions either, the hope can be increased by the response one has to the expression of feelings. Yoshida pushed him willingly kissed Ito and hugged him even after pushing his kiss away. To any LGBT kid, that experience may have given hope for something other than a crush’s potential self-discovered straightness. While that crush might even afterward reject and deny feeling anything, whether that be care or desire, it can still cause doubt.

Yoshida is in a more complex situation as he is not only seeing another classmate of his, a girl, but also is interested in Aihara; all the while he is accepting a kiss from Ito. Yoshida parallels a touch-starved queer kid – one who has an interest in girls and doesn’t want to confront his intrigue with other men. He goes so far as to put a girl he barely knows on a pedestal,  convincing himself that he is in love with her. This parallels with people who mystify women and their sexuality. It also parallels queer kids who allow themselves the room to develop physical feelings for what is acceptable but who aggressively deny to themselves even the prospect of them being attracted to what is not acceptable. 

This scene implies that while Yoshida was willing to learn what he likes, he is not willing to accept who or what he is. He longs to be kissed and to be loved but by what is acceptable, but when another boy comes along who is willing to offer the physical affection he longs for, Yoshida shuts down further experimentation and hyper-fixates on Aihara. This is a classic example of internalized homophobia. Wherein the kid simps after what is allowable and rejects what is not. Even if a person gets past learning and accepting who or what they are, it takes that final step of lovingly embracing yourself to be able to truly love and appreciate those people who have been demonized that we love. Yoshida being surprised at Ito being beautiful in a dress on the beach near the end of the film is an example of this. 

Aihara is the most real out of the whole cast. She is a transfer student, and she is a victim of sexual violence. She is an example of how objectifying and mystifying people can do to their mental health. Yoshida’s putting her on a pedestal, simping, and confusing love for infatuation is especially harmful to her. Especially when Yoshida’s self-insecurity and desire cause him to be aggressively forceful with her. This kind of aggressive “straightening up” as I will call it, can affect extremely closeted people. You can be in the closet, know who you are, and still respond this way. 

This way of responding to one’s own queerness can manifest in different ways. For queer men, this response can form through being aggressive with any person regardless of gender, hyper-masculinity as to not seem even an ounce like the stereotype, conforming to the norms and even lingo of cis hetero men, treating men with interest terribly, and finally objectifying or mystifying women. Many of these traits we can find in Yoshida and many men in the real world. 

By the end of the film, we see Yoshida confront his feelings and capability to feel something for Ito, who he has treated worse as time passed throughout the film. Yoshida, Ito, and Aihara all share an excellent scene on the beach at the end that brings each of their journeys together. Yoshida’s journey of dealing with self-hate and pedestaling girls, Ito’s desire to be loved even by someone who treats him badly and for his belief about Yoshida’s true identity to be vindicated, and Aihara’s confrontation with the men who objectify her and those who resent her for their objectification.

“Like Grains of Sand” is about the development we all take in understanding ourselves. It is through the process of learning, accepting, and loving oneself that allows for true peace to form. The film ends with the main cast seemingly getting to the acceptance portion of their journey but like with many adults, queer and otherwise, it can take a very long time before one is capable of truly loving and accepting themselves. We cannot truly be open to loving, accepting, and understanding others if we are not at least open to doing that same kindness for ourselves. We shouldn’t lash out at those who see us and love us unconditionally just because we don’t love ourselves. It must be so scary being a grain of sand on a big beach, feeling so small in a sea of everyone else. If we only took the time to recognize that there are people who understand just what we are going through, a piece of sand alone on a beach with a little water might bond into a castle.